Post by Idazle on Jul 11, 2012 17:13:15 GMT -5
Get in, get out. No one sees you, no problems, I thought as I pulled my ’82 T-bird up behind the jewelry store. Get in, get out.
I reached into the backseat and pulled out a black ski mask which I proceeded to pull over my pale face.
You know those old spy books? The one’s that tell you how to make a disguise? I read every one of them. Thrice. Smooth move, government.
With a chuckle, I pushed open the door and got out. This would be one of the easiest heists yet.
I wobbled and tripped as I tried to walk in my shoes. The inserts weren’t logical for walking, but the extra inch and wobbling gait would certainly lead them off my trail. Even if they wanted to sic the K-9’s on me, they wouldn’t catch me! I had more perfume in my car than any girly-girl in high school.
But that is way off track. What do you even care about my escape if I haven’t even done the crime yet?
I pulled out a rope and lassoed a pipe on the roof. I know it is a cliché, but I climbed to the top and shimmied in through an air duct. Don’t roll your eyes at me!
Once inside, I placed a photograph of the room I had taken the previous night onto every camera. I couldn’t help but smile. I'm such a sly dog!
“It’s about time you got here, K,” a voice cooed from behind me.
I whirled around and held a pistol in the face of the woman who had just spoken. Did I mention you should never sneak up behind a thief while he is in the middle of his work?
“Hey, cool your jets, K,” she laughed.
“Baby! It’s too dangerous for you to be here! Just leave before you get caught!” I whispered harshly.
“C’mon, K. You can’t do this alone.”
“I don’t care! I am your father, and you will do as I say. Go home! If your mother finds out that you’re here, you’ll be locked up for sure.”
“So? What if she found out you were here?” she inquired, crossing her arms and tapping her foot in that annoyingly stubborn way only a teenage girl could do.
I really do hate pulling my wife into these conversations. We had gotten married almost 18 years ago. You know how it goes: cop catches robber, robber flirts with cop, cop falls for robber…
Well, my wife made me promise on our wedding day that I would stop robbing people. Of course, I agreed. After all, I was head over heels for that woman. I just never stayed true to my end of the promise.
“Fine…” I sighed. “Just be careful.”
She grinned. “Aren’t I always, K?” She dangled my wallet in front of me.
“Hey! No stealing from your old man!” I complained.
With a giggle, she tossed it back to me.
“And where are your gloves? Don’t touch anything if you don’t have them on.”
She sighed and pulled her gloves out of her pocket. “Happy?” she moaned as she pulled them on.
I nodded curtly.
She has always been such a stubborn child, but I still love her. She’s definitely a chip off the old block. Makes caring for the kid easier when they’re, like, you’re clone, doesn’t it?
I watched as she pranced around and picked up a few of the finer pieces of jewelry. I have to admit, she is no amateur when it comes to thieving. She’s always so calm…collected…
I must have zoned out just thinking about how much Baby looked like her mother because I hadn’t heard the sirens of the cop car wailing until she was shaking me. Hard.
“C’mon, Daddy!” she groaned.
I knew she was really frightened because she always called me K. It was just another one of her stubborn quirks. Just because her mother can call me K doesn't mean that she can.
“Daddy!” she cried.
“Give me a boost! I’ll pull you up through the air ducts after I get up there,” I instructed.
With a nod, she got down on her hands and knees. I heard her grunt as I stepped on her back to get up. Finally, I was up, and I was gone in a flash.
“Daddy!” she shouted after me.
Wait… You think I’m being serious? Of course I wouldn’t leave my Baby girl to face the fury of the police on her own. I actually reached down and pulled her up just as a cop entered.
“Fr…eeze…?” he stammered, scanning the store.
I watched him through the vent as he radioed for back-up before Baby started getting restless and pulling at my sleeve.
“Let’s go,” she whispered, her voice echoing in the ducts.
Instantly, the cop’s eyes met mine.
“And we are out of here!” I announced, focusing on speed rather than stealth. Good thing I don’t aspire to be a ninja. I’d fail. Miserably.
We made it out to my car, and Baby made no hesitation to get in. I stumbled in after her and hit the ignition, dumping a box of perfume on the road to cover my scent.
Baby had a death grip on my arm. “I don’t want to die…” she mumbled over and over again.
“We’re not going to die,” I assured her.
She shook like a leaf.
A bullet whizzed by. Then another. And another. Just watch for spikes, I reminded myself.
Lights flashed in the rear-view mirror. Red, blue, red, blue. My breath caught in my throat. I was going to die.
Then I saw something I never thought I’d see. It was like seeing a deer on Broadway or a polar bear in Ecuador. It just doesn’t happen.
Yet in the middle of the Brooklyn street, there was a cake. Not just any cake: a wedding cake. I swerved, but just couldn’t miss it.
The next thing I knew, I was upside down, hanging by my seatbelt with Baby sobbing loudly next to me and my nice car covered in frosting.
The car door opened, and there stood my wife, holding the cake topper. “Consider this our divorce,” she snapped, tossing the topper onto the floor. She turned to my daughter. “And I hope you’ll like juvy.”
I sat motionless as the paramedics cut the two of us out of the car. As I was carted past my wife, she whispered, “Great show. See ya tonight, love.”
I smirked. Ah, yes. Our government! Isn’t it grand?
I reached into the backseat and pulled out a black ski mask which I proceeded to pull over my pale face.
You know those old spy books? The one’s that tell you how to make a disguise? I read every one of them. Thrice. Smooth move, government.
With a chuckle, I pushed open the door and got out. This would be one of the easiest heists yet.
I wobbled and tripped as I tried to walk in my shoes. The inserts weren’t logical for walking, but the extra inch and wobbling gait would certainly lead them off my trail. Even if they wanted to sic the K-9’s on me, they wouldn’t catch me! I had more perfume in my car than any girly-girl in high school.
But that is way off track. What do you even care about my escape if I haven’t even done the crime yet?
I pulled out a rope and lassoed a pipe on the roof. I know it is a cliché, but I climbed to the top and shimmied in through an air duct. Don’t roll your eyes at me!
Once inside, I placed a photograph of the room I had taken the previous night onto every camera. I couldn’t help but smile. I'm such a sly dog!
“It’s about time you got here, K,” a voice cooed from behind me.
I whirled around and held a pistol in the face of the woman who had just spoken. Did I mention you should never sneak up behind a thief while he is in the middle of his work?
“Hey, cool your jets, K,” she laughed.
“Baby! It’s too dangerous for you to be here! Just leave before you get caught!” I whispered harshly.
“C’mon, K. You can’t do this alone.”
“I don’t care! I am your father, and you will do as I say. Go home! If your mother finds out that you’re here, you’ll be locked up for sure.”
“So? What if she found out you were here?” she inquired, crossing her arms and tapping her foot in that annoyingly stubborn way only a teenage girl could do.
I really do hate pulling my wife into these conversations. We had gotten married almost 18 years ago. You know how it goes: cop catches robber, robber flirts with cop, cop falls for robber…
Well, my wife made me promise on our wedding day that I would stop robbing people. Of course, I agreed. After all, I was head over heels for that woman. I just never stayed true to my end of the promise.
“Fine…” I sighed. “Just be careful.”
She grinned. “Aren’t I always, K?” She dangled my wallet in front of me.
“Hey! No stealing from your old man!” I complained.
With a giggle, she tossed it back to me.
“And where are your gloves? Don’t touch anything if you don’t have them on.”
She sighed and pulled her gloves out of her pocket. “Happy?” she moaned as she pulled them on.
I nodded curtly.
She has always been such a stubborn child, but I still love her. She’s definitely a chip off the old block. Makes caring for the kid easier when they’re, like, you’re clone, doesn’t it?
I watched as she pranced around and picked up a few of the finer pieces of jewelry. I have to admit, she is no amateur when it comes to thieving. She’s always so calm…collected…
I must have zoned out just thinking about how much Baby looked like her mother because I hadn’t heard the sirens of the cop car wailing until she was shaking me. Hard.
“C’mon, Daddy!” she groaned.
I knew she was really frightened because she always called me K. It was just another one of her stubborn quirks. Just because her mother can call me K doesn't mean that she can.
“Daddy!” she cried.
“Give me a boost! I’ll pull you up through the air ducts after I get up there,” I instructed.
With a nod, she got down on her hands and knees. I heard her grunt as I stepped on her back to get up. Finally, I was up, and I was gone in a flash.
“Daddy!” she shouted after me.
Wait… You think I’m being serious? Of course I wouldn’t leave my Baby girl to face the fury of the police on her own. I actually reached down and pulled her up just as a cop entered.
“Fr…eeze…?” he stammered, scanning the store.
I watched him through the vent as he radioed for back-up before Baby started getting restless and pulling at my sleeve.
“Let’s go,” she whispered, her voice echoing in the ducts.
Instantly, the cop’s eyes met mine.
“And we are out of here!” I announced, focusing on speed rather than stealth. Good thing I don’t aspire to be a ninja. I’d fail. Miserably.
We made it out to my car, and Baby made no hesitation to get in. I stumbled in after her and hit the ignition, dumping a box of perfume on the road to cover my scent.
Baby had a death grip on my arm. “I don’t want to die…” she mumbled over and over again.
“We’re not going to die,” I assured her.
She shook like a leaf.
A bullet whizzed by. Then another. And another. Just watch for spikes, I reminded myself.
Lights flashed in the rear-view mirror. Red, blue, red, blue. My breath caught in my throat. I was going to die.
Then I saw something I never thought I’d see. It was like seeing a deer on Broadway or a polar bear in Ecuador. It just doesn’t happen.
Yet in the middle of the Brooklyn street, there was a cake. Not just any cake: a wedding cake. I swerved, but just couldn’t miss it.
The next thing I knew, I was upside down, hanging by my seatbelt with Baby sobbing loudly next to me and my nice car covered in frosting.
The car door opened, and there stood my wife, holding the cake topper. “Consider this our divorce,” she snapped, tossing the topper onto the floor. She turned to my daughter. “And I hope you’ll like juvy.”
I sat motionless as the paramedics cut the two of us out of the car. As I was carted past my wife, she whispered, “Great show. See ya tonight, love.”
I smirked. Ah, yes. Our government! Isn’t it grand?
hello
and that kills me